Transitioning and Danger

17 Apr

I know that I left off when I walked into a bar. I also know that I left everyone hanging. Unfortunately I have come to grips with reality, and as much as I’d love to share the deep details of that, there are far heavier matters weighing down my soul. Therefore, I will give everyone the watered down version of that, and continue with my exploding soul’s message, and the wisdom which I have been enlightened with from the rainforest.
I had a brief moment of insecurity after Sascha and I parted and my friend left. I missed my Sascha, and was not feeling my emotions entirely. Therefore my feminine energy took over and I decided I needed a boyfriend. So, I did what one does when they are unbalanced and insecure. I dated the first nice guy that popped up, the owner of the hostel and bar. He was a 41 year old Welsh man. He was the nicest man on the planet, and it ensured the security that I had briefly lacked. For some reason or another I was incredibly attracted to this person for the first few weeks. Then I came to my senses quickly and thankfully. This man could not see me for who I am. He could not fully wrap around all of my philosophies and goals to save the world. Plus, I’m not the kind of girl that needs or wants a boyfriend. It wasn’t until St. Patty’s weekend that it dawned on me. There was an event in Milford, during which a friend named Danger brought to my attention that we have the same days off, and offered to take me to Queenstown to see my boyfriend. (I feel really gross even using that word, “boyfriend”, it simply doesn’t suit my personality or intensive purposes in life).
The next day Danger waited for me and we were off. I had only hung out with him a few times, but I remember always being able to have enlightening conversations with him. He shares many of my philosophies and is very open-minded. He has even read a lot of the crazy books that I have, that no one I have ever met has ever even heard of. It was quite a breath of fresh air to have a four hour drive and be able to share all of my shamanic/free-spirited/etc philosophies with someone who sees the universe with like eyes. During which I was able to vent about my boyfriend situation, and that it was a bit embarrassing because that’s not who I am. I do not follow the traditional path. I must always stay focused on my goal of saving the world. Just then, hearing myself talk, I realized that that would be my last trip to Queenstown. I would give it my four days and see if anything shifted, and then I would cut it off.
During those four days nothing changed. I tried to convince myself, but I knew better. Plus, I wasn’t even attracted to this man anymore. How does that happen in a month? Or why did the universe direct me to this man? One thought that I had was that it wasn’t about me at all, it was about him. This man is 41 and doesn’t seem to have had any healthy relationships. Because I am who I am, the woman with the strong voice, I let him know exactly how I felt just after a month and all of the things that he needed to fix in order to be a whole, secure, man that would ever be able to sustain a healthy relationship.
In addition and for some reason, I think that the drive to and from Queenstown led to a beautiful friendship that grew between Danger and I. We have heaps in common, and I can learn from him. He does everything from sea kayaking, rock climbing, snow-boarding, and hunting. He and I had planned a hunting trip; however that hasn’t been able to happen yet, for reasons I’ll shortly get to.
During our next ten day shift we hung out a few times and shared some wisdom and a few nights together. The night before our next days off was the annual naked tunnel run. This was an event sponsored by the head of the kayaking company in Milford, and was a charity event. There is a tunnel through the mountain to get to Milford that is just under a mile, or 1.2 kilometres in distance, located 945 metres or roughly around 3,100 feet in elevation. So basically, it’s cold up there. During this event, everyone pays there donation, then hops in a coach or van after dark (it’s really cold up there at night!), gets taxied up to the top end of the tunnel, gets naked, and runs through the tunnel to the end where their clothes are located, then either puts them on or not, and gets picked up and taxied back to the pub. I chose to bring my LED hula hoop to this event rather than a torch (you need a torch because it’s pitch black in the tunnel) and hula hoop through the tunnel. During this event I managed to stub my toe, rip off the nail, fall in a pothole and destroy my knee, and on the return trip my hand was slammed in the van door. I hadn’t realized all of these injuries until we got back to the pub and Danger and I decided we didn’t feel like drinking and were exhausted, so just walked over to his room which is behind the pub. When we got there and turned on the lights, my whole leg was covered in blood, my toenail was half gone, bruised and bleeding, and my hand was just as bruised as. All of these injuries were on the left side of my body too, which will be significant in my later discoveries that I’ll get to. I cleaned myself up and we collapsed in bed.
The next morning I had intended on heading to Te Anau (the next closest town to Milford Sound, 126 kilometres, or about a two hour drive to a town, shopping, groceries, civilization, a cell phone signal, and internet and 3G connections-I quite like being that far away from everything!). I needed to see the doctor to return my crutches finally and have my follow up appointment for my previously sprained (left) ankle. When I woke up it was difficult to get out of bed. All of my intuition and desires wanted me to stay in bed (my right brain or feminine side to be exact), but as usual my left brain masculine energy took over, so I peeled myself from Danger’s bed at the crack of dawn and headed out to Te Anau to see the doctor and stock up on groceries so that Danger and I could go hunting when I got back.
I headed out on the Milford road (the only road), in absolutely no hurry. After about an hour of driving, I came about to the Mirror Lakes in Milford, and noticed a stationary vehicle blocking the left lane (for those of you back home, we drive on the left in NZ), so I tooted my horn with one short and one long blast. I noticed the car wasn’t moving, so I kept my eye on the opposite lane so that I could pass safely. I had the clear, signaled, and as I went to pass the car turned directly in front of my car to pull a U-Turn, so that my car beautifully T-boned their van. My windows were down, as were hers, and my front end met her van just behind the driver side door. I attempted to avoid a head on for me because I enjoy living, so I turned my wheel right and my front left side met her van rather than my entire front end. Luckily because of this I avoided air bags and other serious injuries. As soon as I hit her, she said “Where did you come from?” which indicated she clearly had not been paying attention to my horn, her mirrors, my lights, or my signal. My car was instantly totaled. The front end was hanging off, left side destroyed, etc. I took photos, and luckily my one working headlight was on in the photos which offered better evidence that I did all I could to avoid a collision. The other party members were obviously tourists from another country, and the vehicle was a rental. Thank goodness for this because they had insurance. I don’t, because you don’t have to here in NZ (long story, good laws, people are taken care of, etc). They were quite rude, and older than 65, and there were about ten of them. Because they assured me that they’d never admit to being at fault because there were ten of them and one of me, I assured them that my car was stuck in gear and all ten of them could push it since they destroyed it. Shortly after, a coach driver for the company that I work for pulled up. I quickly let him know what was going on, and he went over to them and let them have it. They had thought that I was a dumb tourist moron, and had no idea that I lived and worked in Milford. After the coach driver gave it to them, they started writing down their details for me. I was lucky enough to hitchhike immediately to Te Anau to file a report, with a very nice family from Hong Kong. They were so sweet that they even took a family photo with me in front of the police station for their family scrapbook.
I filed a report, saw the doctor, loaded up on groceries, and luckily got in touch with Danger to come get me. Unfortunately he had to get things sorted with his own vehicle the next day, so our hunting would be postponed. The weather hadn’t been working out in our favour anyhow. (It is the rainforest after all). That night we just hung out and had a fire and some home killed and butchered sheep which had been roasted over it. It wasn’t a bad night overall, and my car was simply an annoyance. I figured it was just another gift with shit on it. I use that metaphor quite a lot. What I mean by this is that initially one can only see the shit, but something beautiful always unfolds from it and these “shitty” situations turn into beautiful gifts. This happens quite often, so I immediately recognized it, even during the height of my adrenaline rush of potential death. In fact, the family I hitched a ride with said that I seemed like the happiest person on Earth, and were surprised when they asked how long ago the accident occurred, and I replied with, “about ten minutes ago”. But, it’s who I am! There are far worse problems in the world. I am learning this at an accelerated speed, and it’s been a painful awakening.
I’m still dealing with the car, and it’s still smashed on the side of the road. It’s quite difficult having little to no communication with the outside world, and being on a boat from 8am until 5:30 or 6pm, or, business hours. On a random day in the middle of my shift, I woke up with a gnarly bump under my (yet again-left) arm. I did the manly or masculine thing, and ignored it. I started feeling sick after a few days and noticed a red line moving proximal, and it wasn’t getting better regardless of whichever remedy I used. I decided to take a day off and go to Te Anau and see the doc. Luckily I caught a coach early enough to get in that day. It was simply an infected abscess (gross, I know, but this is my blog, so I can be gross). The doc had to stick a needle in it and gave me antibiotics. He said I was lucky to get there when I did because I could have ended up with a blood infection! How scary! Because the last coach to Milford was long gone, I spent a night in Te Anau and intended to catch the first coach back in the morning and go back to work.
In the evening I managed to lose my wallet, but again, whatever. There are far worse problems in the universe. I spent some time doing research on why all of my injuries and illnesses have been manifesting on my left side. I had been telling Danger that I think there is an underlying emotion cause. Even when I had my last surgery a few years back, the tumor was on my left ovary. What I discovered was that my masculine and feminine energy were imbalanced. This also explains my brief insecurities and brief desire for a boyfriend. The right brain, or feminine side, controls the left side of the body. My masculine energy is superseding my feminine energy. I have been body building again, fishing, attempting to go hunting, brewing beer, and haven’t been nourishing my feminine side. I don’t know that I ever really have very much. I have acknowledged it, and since, have been listening to my inner female. I intentionally wake up every morning and put on a happy song and sing and dance around my room naked like a wild woman to nourish my creative feminine side. I put sparkly beads in my hair, and wear my pink dress more often. During the end of the season ball, I was able to wear a pretty dress and red lipstick. I have to be conscious of her, because our masculine and feminine energies can rebel, as my inner woman has been destructively doing with unhealthy relationships and excessive drinking (the feminine side of the brain is responsible for addictions). I’ve been eating quite badly as well. I noticed however, that once I acknowledged this, I haven’t even had the desire to drink, eat junk food, or be in any sort of relationship, other than the relationship I have with myself and nature. It’s been a beautiful feeling.
The next morning I walked to the bus, unable to buy groceries because I had no wallet, but still felt optimistic and fortunate because I had found ten dollars in my jeans. I went to my favourite café in Te Anau and had enough money to buy a proper coffee and a house made muffin for the road. I was feeling change in the universe…


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