Eliminating mental toxins & the constant sleep/wake cycle that is Life

1 May

Although it has only been three days since my last post, as my world goes, much has changed. Sometimes all that it takes is a bit of reawakening. In life we have many distractions. Many human beings are, sadly, distracted for all of their lives; whereas others have the ability to recognize distractions and avoid, dodge, and/or recover from them. Luckily I was born with a soul that has eyes wide open. Of course, I do get distracted at times because I am human and I do have an ego that gets in the way. My cycles of being “asleep” or distracted are becoming fewer in number and significantly more short-lived.

I woke up in Te Anau the morning after staying up until 3am to post my last entry. Something had already shifted. I had intended on nourishing both my masculine and feminine energies, so, I did just that. I shopped around and found myself a decent rain jacket (I live in the rainforest so this is absolutely essential!), a spear for spear fishing (flounder fishing), a pair of earrings just because they were pretty and I need to nourish all of me, and finally I treated myself to an hour and a half massage followed by a nice dinner and wine. It was a pretty fulfilling day as far as nourishing my soul and keeping masculine and feminine balance.

Something had still been lacking. I was beginning to see more clearly another mistake which I had been allowing myself to make. I was enabling my brain to unleash toxic chemicals which would create irrational thoughts and behavior. It was the toxin that was infatuation. When any human being is infatuated, the brain reacts chemically exactly the same as if it would when one is addicted to hard drugs. The brain knows no difference and releases the same chemicals which allow the individual to think and act irrationally. I know better, yet I keep allowing this to happen. I believe it has to do with my lack of balance and feeling of being grounded that I have recently noticed and been making a conscious effort to correct. With that being said, I let Danger know that I needed to spend more time with the person that I love most in the world, the person that I was born with and will die with-me. As much as I looked forward to any potential our slightly more than a friendship had to offer, I need to invert that energy and work on balancing myself. He understood and is experiencing similarities in his own world, so this was a nice and positive way to put a bit of an end to whatever it was that was going on between us. I need to recognize the disguises of these little “relationships” of whatever sort that I keep getting myself into without even realizing, and avoid them. I need to be thinking fully and clearly. Once I did this, I instantly felt free again. I could think clearly once more. I didn’t have to worry about when I would get to hang out with him again or what he was doing after work or on his days off or if I should look pretty when I go to the pub in the event I would run into him, etc. It was quite liberating. I could refocus and readjust. My honeymoon period in Milford was over, and I could not have been happier to see this.

My first few months in Milford were like the beginning of anything else that is new, a honeymoon. I ate too much, drank way too much, and let myself be influenced negatively just a bit too much. I had been “asleep”. Now that I know where I stand, understand most things, and have my job down pact, I can dig my roots deep and ground myself, and begin to grow my own branches from my core. I was awake once more. My soul’s eyes were wide open, and my vision was just as clear as.

First and foremost I would cut out the ridiculous amount of alcohol consumption in which I had been partaking. I would reestablish my limits of three. It’s easy to quit entirely, but I do enjoy beer, wine, and cocktails, therefore I will simply establish my limit. This will assist in the elimination of ridiculous and irrational behavior, as well as poor decision making. My body will thank me as well. After all, I love myself, and need to fill my body with things it likes. Second, I will avoid men for a while, and absolutely not sleep with anyone here in Milford again. There are only about 200 people living and working here, so the last thing I need to be doing is sleeping with any of them. One can imagine what sort of outcome that has the potential to have. Luckily the one I did choose was a like-mind and understood. Plus, nothing had gone too far between Danger and me so it was easy to cut it off before ugly situations occur. Third, I would begin to nourish my brain with brain food in the form of books that interest me. This includes small missions I have had for myself. That being said, I ordered five books on Shamanic journeying, soul retrievals, and books on the power of our thoughts. This will also help recharge my soul and intuition, as well as inspire many other things. Lastly, I decided not to take the job at the Milford Sound pub as a bartender (this job had been offered to me several times). If I took that job I would simply be selling my soul to stay in Milford because I love it here, but that’s not who I am and that’s not what I do in life. If I’m meant to be here, if the universe needs me here, I’ll be here. I’m over bartending and there is no room for me to grow there. I love my job and love being on the boat. It’s new and I can grow endlessly there.  I have also decided to nourish my interests with the boat that I work on. Without penis on the brain, it’s a lot easier to focus. I have been dying to learn how the mechanics work and to hang out in the engine room with the skipper so that I can learn what every single thing does, so I would proceed with these interests distraction free and wholeheartedly.

Another big thing that I have come to grips with recently is due to my newly rekindled openness to the process of life. I have come to grips with the fact that life is too short for me to stay here in New Zealand forever, even though it is the greatest place on Earth. There are so many other places in the world that I can learn from and experience to help me grow so that I can save the world. This is only the beginning. If I stay here forever, my life will begin to fall apart (because that’s what happens when you resist the process of life and the flow of the universe/all the signs to move onward) and I will never achieve my goal to save the planet. Because of this, I will accept with love any direction the universe points me in and go without question or doubt. I can only have a theoretic idea in mind, but I do know that all I really know is what I do in this present moment. I can have a thousand ideas and plans-which may potentially lead me in the right direction, but where I’ll go and how I’ll get there only the universe knows. There is so much in the air right now with my job, my visa, etc. Theoretically my boss could extend my contract over winter, and perhaps not. In addition, my car is still smashed up along the Milford road. I’m not worried about a single thing though, because I am totally open.

With that being said, it is currently the end of my third day of this ten day shift. (Ten on, four off). Since my first day I have been sticking around with the skipper after my day is over to help him out in the engine room with maintenance, as well as helping him fix a few minor issues we’ve had with certain systems on the boat. I do not get paid money for this time, but I do however, get paid in skills and knowledge. That, to me, is priceless. Prior to three days ago, I knew nothing about the mechanics of a boat. Just in three days I have learned heaps! This particular skipper is quite patient and an awesome teacher. I feel like he’s the Bruce Lee of skippers and I am his skipper/engineer Ninja in training. I only learn these things by doing, and he knows that so he is very good at making me figure things out, handing me a tool and telling me to take something apart, etc. I know that I am totally nourishing my masculine energy by doing this, so I have to balance it with something girly afterward. I love being dirty, sweaty (the engine room is HOT!), totally covered in grease and oil, and smelly. I wear the grease and oil under my nails like a badge of honor. Plus, it feels bloody fantastic to finally be learning new things after two months! In addition to this I have been hitting the gym happily and hard, and have stuck to my limits with the beer and wine. It’s not that hard now that I’m awake again. I don’t even want to drink. A glass of wine before bed, a beer after a thirteen hour day that I only get paid money for 9.5 hours of…yeah, that’s great! I feel great about that, just no more crazy nights of dancing on tables (not that I wouldn’t do that sober….I’d just like to remember doing these things) and waking up in anyone’s bed but my own. It’s time to plant my roots, ground myself, and become balanced and whole. The entire world depends on me to save it. I am accountable for rectifying the damages of humanity (as is all humanity); therefore I must act the part and take responsibility for my own actions. In the meantime I am building myself. It’s almost as if I am building an army within myself. I’m excited to see why the universe needs me to learn these skills! Engineering, teaching, massage therapy, German studies and International studies, teaching English, Shamanism, etc…why have I had to learn these diverse things? It’s only the beginning! Perhaps I’ll leave here in October when my visa expires, travel Cambodia, Thailand, and Vietnam, and head back State-side for a few months to plan an African mission. Perhaps I’ll reapply for the Peace Corps. Who knows?! All that I know is what I know in this moment. I am and will remain open to wherever the universe takes me. I am always open and receptive to the Universe with Love.

Love & Light!


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