Death, Birth, and Sex

8 Jun

I arrived in Milford after my beautiful birthday in Doubtful Sound, and my newly acquired enlightenment and mission. I took the coach, so I arrived in the afternoon and at the terminal. I popped in to say hi to Courtney (the office girl and my friend), and I was greeted with all of the books that I ordered! Yay! I know that timing is everything, and I had to receive the messages that I did from my journey in Doubtful, in order to have a mission to work toward. I realized immediately that until I got my books and learned to do Shamanic Journeying for further guidance, I would be at a standstill.
I excitedly hurried home to unpack and open all my books! I had four, and of the four I closed my eyes and put my hand over each to see which I should read first. Sandra Ingerman’s Shamanic Journeying was it! I was excited to open up this world. I have experience with Shamans in the past, and it has always been quite interesting and profound, so I was stoked to open up this world for myself and expand my consciousness. I had a feeling this world had been awaiting my arrival as well. I started reading, and noticing that as I read, my philosophies and visions were not just my philosophies and visions! My “web” of life that I have always envisioned is not just my vision. In fact, after I finished that book, the next book by Dr. Bruce Lipton The Biology of Belief emphasized on this web and showed the scientific side in relevance to Quantum Physics!
Lipton’s book was also quite profound, and I knew I had to read his book before I attempted my first journey. I wasn’t sure why entirely, but I trusted that I needed to knowledge of his work. His book was quite profound as well, and I will not attempt to rewrite it in my blog, but I will absolutely recommend it, and if nothing else, go to a bookstore, find it, and read the Epilogue! The whole book is great, but the Epilogue was the most enlightening part relative to my “Ah-hah!” moments in Life.
During my book reading, a few days after I got back (or maybe during my shift…time jumbles together here) the Milford Road was closed. This wasn’t just a typical road closure (Google the Milford Road for those of you, or most of you, that are not familiar with it to fully understand) due to some rock blasting or avalanche off-setting. This was a serious rock blasting project that would take two weeks of good weather, and during that time no one can travel on the road because the rock would be far too unstable. Now, let’s get serious. This is a rainforest, and it is winter! However, the companies here did not want to sacrifice two weeks of only business from the helicopter and fix-wing flights coming in (also only during good weather) during peak season, so the construction had to wait until the dead of the winter because of the almighty dollar as usual. This means to me, that I get paid until the end of the month, find small jobs to do around the boat and house, etc. Then at the end of May my contract would switch over (yes, I finally have a bloomin’ contract!), my holiday pay would get paid out (so I’d get paid until about the 10th of June for holiday pay), and get to hang out in the forest because there won’t be any work for a few weeks or potentially a month. In addition, the boat is now in Bluff (the tip of the South Island) getting its biannual work done, so until it comes back there literally isn’t any work. I’m blessed to be able to fly out of here when it’s ready and come back up the coast on the boat, so I am totally stoked for that epic adventure. Anyhow, the current point is that everyone is gone from the house but me, so I have this beautiful opportunity to do my Shamanic Journeying and get in touch with my creativity. I could have gotten (and can still get) a flight out of here on nice days, but why?! I am in the most beautiful place on Earth, and I have enough food. If I run out, then I get my spear and go spear something for dinner. It’s not so serious! I have a whole sea in front of my face with heaps of dinner swimming around in it. I have Manuka Tea Trees all around, Cabbage trees, flax, etc. The point, I’m not going to die. I have the whole forest to play in and all of the abundance within it. Plus, I don’t have to battle anyone’s negative energy. I can be me and be free!
The day after the boat left for Bluff, just last Saturday, would be my first journey. I believe that was the 1st of June. Now, I have journaled my first two journeys separately, and will post them after this. I’ll only share enough in this entry to make everything else clear. Feel free to take the time to pause here and read my first two and then come back to this. It’s worth reading, especially if you are a skeptic! Plus it will make my next journey that I am about to explain make sense.
Okay, so, you know I discovered my power animal my first journey, and my second journey I received the gifts of strength and security from Tiger and Owl, as well as many others. So since this has happened, I’ve also been extremely at peace and in tune with my right brain. Without my Left brain (masculine/Ego) in the way of my right brain (feminine/creativity), I have been nourishing my creative Self without fully realizing it was happening. I started to sew again…I made a thing to hang my jewelry on, a couple of skirts from old material and household stuff…I’ve borrowed Courtney’s guitar to pick that up again, learn chords and make music, became creative with my cooking, I’ve brewed two batches of beer, and just being Me. I felt and feel a shift.
My blog is my life, which is why (for example) I posted pictures of me bawling over my dear friend, Sascha, when we parted ways, and I will not hide anything, for this is My Story!
I have always been open sexually. I’ve slept with men and women, but have never claimed anything or even found it significant to give thought to. I’ve always thought of it as just fun and that I could never date a woman because women are nuts and that I predominantly like men. Then something strange happened.
I hadn’t slept with anyone since Danger, and that was the day after the Milford Ball. I was dying. I had made a few attempts, but none of them felt right. I was, of course, attracted to Danger’s awesome Soul, but knew it was trouble. I knew anyone in Milford would be trouble. There were a few nice guys, but those were the guys that I talked to as if they were my girlfriends, so any sexual attempt would just be absolutely awkward and unnatural.
The other night Courtney rang me to have a cocktail at the pub. We shared some wine and had a nightcap. There is a beautiful Argentinean man who works in the kitchen at the Milford Pub. In fact, I don’t even know his name; he’s called “Pretty Boy”. After a nice gin and tonic, Courts and I headed down to the foreshore for a bonfire with the few people that are staying in here. Pretty Boy was there. Courts hadn’t had anything for dinner, and got tipsy quickly, so I decided to walk her home. Pretty Boy walked with us because it was pitch black out and we didn’t have a torch, and he did. He is basically the sweetest guy on Earth as well, just a genuine Soul. We put Courts to bed and he walked me to my car. I thanked him and said goodnight. I was ready to go home and go to bed. The wine and gin combo put me in the right state for a peaceful night and proper night’s sleep. I’m a huggy person, so I gave Pretty Boy a hug and said goodnight, and of course, he leaned in for a kiss. It had been what seemed like an eternity, so I went with it, even though I wasn’t really feeling it (which is SO NOT ME). After contemplating, he talked his way back to my house. I was basically just going through the motions, even though I felt nothing. My life has been like Sex and the City for years, and I have some pretty spontaneous and epic stories, so it wouldn’t be like me to say no to this beautiful man. We got back to my house, and got naked. Then it happened. During the midst of what should have been hot passionate sex with a beautiful and nice man, it happened. All that I could think about was how much I would rather be in bed with a woman. I couldn’t do it. I felt absolutely nothing. I was almost pissed off, because I really wanted to have hot sex. I told him I just couldn’t do it. The poor guy! I almost just slept with him out of the trouble he went through, but it would be disingenuous, and that’s not me. Although in that moment I wasn’t sure who the hell me was! Anyone that knows me knows that I would never do such a thing. I love sex. I’m a free-spirited sexual being. I took him home, apologized, and said goodnight.
I went home and sobered up in order to make sure I didn’t have some sort of debilitating stroke which impeded my sexual desires. I couldn’t figure it out. I slept on it, spent the whole next day thinking about it. Who am I? I had to journey on it. My Spirit guides would have the answer for me. I just needed a whole day to integrate this. Could I be a full blown lesbian? How could I have missed that all these years?! I mean, it makes absolute sense if I were. I’ve always been attracted to women, I’ve slept with women, I think about women most of the time when I’m in my “happy place”…. I’ve just been keeping my creativity in a cage. I’ve been predominantly left brained. So I had a half a bit of wine, and went to bed, eager for my journey the next day.
The Epic Journey:
This journey is the most profound. To think, only three journeys and I am having these incredible experiences already! I am truly connected! So anyway, with every journey one needs an intention.
Intention (for my power animal/Spirit): Please help me receive clarity on my sexuality
I arrived at the shore, and it was dark and grey. Things happened significantly quicker than before. My power animal was already there, as if he had been awaiting this. As soon as I stated my intention, he grabbed my hand and took me to the Moon. I’ll stop there just for a second-for the skeptics. Now I had imagined what could possibly come of this journey, even had a vision in my head, so I was anticipating and even trying to imagine a welcoming committee to celebrate up there on the Moon with me. As soon as I tried to imagine, however, it was wiped straight away. My left brain was shut right out, and I could only just go with whatever was happening in the journey. So there we were, on the Moon, and there was only just a post. A wooden sign, white background with a rainbow heart on it. The word “skeleton” popped into my head, and I said that I didn’t understand, so he took me to another Universe to show me. We traveled through several transitional places, and got to a place where there was only Light. It was so bright, that it was blinding. My room was dark in ordinary reality, and I was blind-folded, so this had to be real, because it was the brightest Light I had ever seen. He sat me in a chair, held a mirror out in front of me, but it wasn’t me in the mirror, it was a skeleton. (I learned later what this means and will explain at the end, absolutely relevant and significant!) Then he took me back to the shore. This is when the absolute intensity began. I cannot explain the amount of shame I felt. Everything was grey and dark, and I was ashamed. This could only mean that somewhere in my subconscious mind I had been ashamed of this. I felt lower than I had ever felt in my life.(I found this significant because I may be able to lie to myself in ordinary reality and say that I am secure and without shame, but here, in this beautiful place, there are no secrets, no hiding from ourselves.) I was on my hands and knees on the shore, sulking. I felt as if I had disappointed everyone, including my power animal. I got up to thank him shamefully, grabbed his hands (or fins, I suppose) to say goodbye and it was just then that he showed the sharpest and most terrifying teeth, and bit my hand. I was shocked, and terrified! I thought this was a safe place! This can’t be happening here! Did I upset him? What did I do? I tried to feed him berries from a tree, and that wasn’t it. It was like standing in front of a rabid Rottweiler. I turned around and saw my rocket sitting in the sand, and went to flee for it, and he leaped out and caught me by the foot and began to eat me. It was then that I realized that this was not a bad thing. This was a beautiful gift. It was a Dismemberment Journey! What a beautiful gift! Normally one has to journey with the intention of a Dismemberment Journey. What these do are offer healing and new beginnings. Something kills you, eats you, you can be burned, etc, and then you are rebuilt, or recreated! That’s why I was shocked. In ordinary reality I would have figured that out right away, but just as when Tiger jumped out in front of me in my second journey showing his teeth, I cannot recall things when I am journeying. I know better, but when I am journeying I can only be in that moment and that place. It’s hard to explain, but it’s a beautiful thing! After he ate me, the Sun arose, four tornadoes popped up, and all the animals came from the forest to help rebuild me! As they rebuilt me, they made me a giant! They said I was bigger, stronger, and full of more Light and Love than ever before. I was new. They took a giant rainbow heart and put it in my chest. Then they all grew giant to celebrate with me. I have literally never felt so overwhelmed with emotion, with Love, pure Love and Light in my entire existence. I exploded with tears. This was the most beautiful moment of my Life! My power animal apologized for scaring me, (even though it was a beautiful gift of Love), I just hadn’t caught on straight away so I was literally terrified almost to death! Or literally I suppose, in that reality. We popped champagne and celebrated, letting it explode like a waterfall. I was a giant, beautiful, naked, strong, secure, new woman! To lighten my intense emotional state, they made me turn around only to see that they had put a giant sign on my naked back that read “GAY”! HAH! I laughed with tears of joy. That was all the clarity and more that I could ever ask for! And what a beautiful blessing of a Dismemberment Journey, without even having to ask for it! I thanked them with all the Love in my new heart and said goodbye, and returned to my body, removed my blindfold, and realized I had tears on my face still, and they were tears of happiness and Love. I’M A FREAKING LESBIAN! HAH!
I learned later that the Skeleton symbolizes death. Of course! The old me died. She was eaten by my power animal because that chapter is now closed and doesn’t suit me anymore. The new me was reborn, or rebuilt. I fit this me better. How beautiful!
It all makes sense though. None of my male relationships ever worked, and it was always the sex that went downhill because we became awkwardly like best mates rather than passionate beings. Every single time, the sex died. It was more of a chore and something that I wanted in order to feel wanted and loved. And I was always stressed in every relationship.
Well why the hell have I slept with men for the last thirteen years?! You wonder. That’s as simple as this:
I was instilled with insecurity for the first sixteen years of my horrific (but beautiful when one zooms out to see the gifts involved in this path…) childhood. Men symbolize strength and security. Well why now? Well, Owl and Tiger blessed me with the gifts of strength and security in my second journey. I finally feel strong and secure, in addition to creative. It took me a while to make that connection. My right brain, my feminine energy has been released. Timing is everything, and I was simply not ready. I needed to have all of the experiences I did. I needed the Life lessons; I needed the gifts that I was blessed with from John, and Chris, (my two long-term relationships). I needed to make those connections for several reasons (another time, another chapter!). For example, John, and his new wife are incredible people who are still a huge part of my family’s life, they take care of my Mum, and their kids are like her grandkids (the Universe knows my brother and I will never bless our Mum with grandbabies, so she has John & Gracie’s babies to love, and they all know that). Another thing that came to my realization was drawn from dream interpretations. You know how sometimes you dream of having sex with someone inappropriate, like a hideous boss, a sibling, etc? Well these dreams are interpreted that one dreams these dreams because the person they are having inappropriate sex with obtains qualities that the dreamer desires. These men that I have slept with have qualities that I had desired. Of course I think hot guys are hot. Straight men can recognize that. That’s what confused me. It was simply my insecurities that made me sleep with them. It wasn’t the sex I wanted from them; it was the closeness that offered security and strength. Hell, when I met Taff (after Sascha), I had been checking out his sister! Just last week I thought about inviting this hot girl over for wine, and about two months ago I asked two hot Austrian lesbians out for drinks (one was jealous though, so they never showed…but really timing is everything…I was getting ahead of myself!). Even one long night at the Milford Pub, there was a band playing and the singer came up to me afterward. We were just randomly chatting, and this bartender from Queenstown was like “You two both have dreads, you should hook up”, and I was like “I’d be more interested in you actually.” Hah! This explains why my relationship with Sascha was so confusing. Of course I love him dearly! But we only slept together a couple of times, and it was awkward, for no other reason that we were best friends, not lovers! Every relationship ends up “awkward” in the sex depo. Now I know why! I’m friggin gay! How exciting! No wonder none of my relationships worked out, or ever felt remotely right! You know, as I recall, an old Shaman friend of mine from the past once told me that it wouldn’t be until I was 27 that I would be able to have a stable and healthy relationship. Now I get it! Hah!
So here I am, integrating all of this beauty, and enjoying my new me that I have been blessed with. Really it’s the same me, I’ve just shed a layer of skin. I’m becoming my Soul. I am growing into my big Soul and finding the real me. This is all important and relevant in my journey and mission to save the world. How can I save the entire world if I am not whole myself? Therefore, my next few journeys will be Self-healing… Then I will begin journeying for my mission. Save Fiordland, save New Zealand, save the world (whatever that means, I trust the path!).
In the meantime, here are some things that I have compiled that make me happy about being a lesbian (what a bloody relief!):
1. I can finally have guy friends without the absolute exhaustion of their jealous misses (!!!)
2. I don’t have to explain to ugly guys why I do not want to go out on dates with them, all I have to say is “Sorry mate, I’m a lesbian.” (Winning)
3. I have the double edged sword of lying to any hideous lumberjack Lesbos and telling them that I am straight.
4. I don’t have to try to fit a square peg in a round hole anymore (sex with guys/relationships with guys)
5. I don’t have to explain my philosophical reasons to my persistent family members as to why I will never have children, I can simply say, “I’m a lesbian”. (Yeah, I know there are millions of options; I get that too, but seriously, no).
6. I get the absolute satisfying pleasure of telling persistent perverts at the pub that they are wasting their time, I am a lesbian. Then I get to enjoy the defeated look on their face. Guys like that are exhausting.
7. I can sport a rainbow flag, legit status.
8. I can go hunting with the guys. (FINALLY!)
9. I can still get invited to guys’ nights even though I’m a hot chick (although I usually do anyway) and no one will think I’m just a dumb whore trying to get with the guys.
10. (Drum roll…)…The greatest one of them all: I get to bang hot chicks. Winning.

So there it is. Also, I just want to clarify that I am not coming out of the closet; I have simply just realized what I have always been. Everyone knows I have no shame in who I am (or at least the rebuilt me, hehe), and I always put my life out there to share with the world, in hopes to inspire someone, somewhere with Light and Love. In addition, I would like to be a beautiful example of the non-stereotypical textbook lesbian. (Nothing but Love to those who are), but for the conservative people (although I doubt there are many conservatives reading my work!), because I have realized that I am a lesbian it does not mean that I will stop shaving my fun parts, grow a mullet, wear any sort of flannel, or be any less feminine than I am. I embrace my femininity with all my Love. I’m only becoming more of this! I’m excited for my journey ahead.
One last thing, for you, my beautiful Readers:
I purposely did not post my realization on Facebook because I owed it to you to learn about first. All of you beautiful Souls that take time out of your life to share the Love and interest of my world deserve to know the newest, most exciting and special events that occur in my life. I can only hope that you find some sort of inspiration from my journeys, and take that inspiration into your own lives and make your world special. Thank you again for all your Love, Light, and support through this beautiful adventure called “Life”. All my Love and Light to you all!


One Response to “Death, Birth, and Sex”

  1. Laura June 8, 2013 at 9:55 am #

    I’m so incredibly happy for you! Wishing you nothing but the best and praying that now you’ve discovered who you really are that you can finally find real love and happiness. Love ya bunches boo! Xoxo

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